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So it begins......2015 is here and I don't think of this any different than the past 8 New Year's. This is already the 9th year without my son Keith here. This is so incredibly distressing to me. How did time move so fast? How did we "survive" 8 whole years of this misery? How do we go on, day after day ,living and working and functioning when such a HUGE piece of our family is missing? 

My son left us at age 20 after a hard fought battle with drug addiction. Just an hour and a half out of his 18th rehab in two years, he was pronounced dead and our real nightmare began. I already thought I was living my nightmare. I knew more about drug addiction and rehab than I ever thought possible and was brought to my knees time and again. Rehab for myself, my husband and my daughter was a vacation to our psyche. We could relax for a few days and not worry about what may come. Now....I would give anything to be driving Keith to another rehab....It is so confusing to your brain to wish for things you used to hate. Every single place we drive holds a memory, a drop off point, a milestone. What is the lesson I am being taught? Did I do enough? Too much?? 

Your mind goes over and over and over all of these things everyday, all day as you slog thru 8 full years of your new life. I think I'm me....but I know I'm not. I see "me" in the mirror and I look like "me" and yet I don't. I have aged so around the eyes and the sadness I see looking back at me breaks my own heart. I don't know what to do. I feel a huge, huge knot directly in the center of my chest and I am quite sure, if I allowed myself, I would just scream and scream and scream and I might just actually feel it unravel. But, I don't. I just don't know. 

I keep myself very busy so as not to think, but sometimes, days like today when I sit quietly and the knot tightens...I simply can't believe my new life. Truly it gets harder as I understand more and more how very important and wonderful our family of four is and was to me. That empty chair still shocks me. That bedroom full of priceless memories means the world to me. Can I please find something I haven't seen yet??

It is a lonely world, I believe for a grieving Mom. Oh...I thankfully have a wonderful group that i truly look forward to, but outside of that, we can all agree time moves on, no one writes in the guestbook anymore...old friends are gone ...and unless you have lived just don't understand me/ us. I get that. It took a long time, but I get it now. I am not sure I could have been a good long-standing friend THEN for this type of situation. Now? My empathy goes to the extreme sometimes....

As i start my 9th year without my beautiful boy, I realize this is my path. I will walk it because I have to. Some days are easier than others. Some days. Much harder. I know he is with me. There will be more challenges for us as a family of three and we will again face them together the best we can. Always thinking of the boy who lit up our world and made us laugh.....

Submitted by km82785  |  January 4, 2015 - 10:09am 

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Comment by Deborah Helen Boardman on January 9, 2015 at 9:10
I am only ten months down the road of losing my 26 year old daughter Kim. She was the desire of my heart, my sunshine, my best friend. I identify so much with what you have said - thank you for sharing. To Madelaine Jordan, there is peace available to you - it is a peace that this world cannot understand it's the free gift from God, and the way to get it is if you can keep your mind stayed on God. It's hard when you are in such deep despair but basically it means taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and the bible says we are to think on these things : things that are true, noble, authentic,reputable, compelling, gracious,the best not the worst; the beautiful not the ugly, things to praise not to curse. I pray for you both to find peace It does help us along our journey.
Comment by Madeleine Jordan on January 7, 2015 at 11:39

Thank you for articulating so competently how I feel.  I miss Danny so much I feel tired and old from the grief.  I also have this knot that I feel will never go away and the realisation that I have to carry on for one more year without him is almost too much.  I keep telling myself that I must live my life too the fullest for him, but it all just overwhelms you at times.  Is has been 4 years now and I also separate the old me from the new me, there is simply no comparison.  How can I possibly be the same person after losing my amazing beautiful son.  However, I will fight to be happy and try to give my girls the same love I had for Danny, as this is the only way that I can try to honour his memory. I hope one day to feel at peace, because peace still eludes me.

Comment by Belinda Daniels on January 7, 2015 at 10:25
You have written exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing. Only I am one year into the loss of our sunshine boy. Thank you for sharing. I pray for small amounts of peace for us. Don't expect ever to be happy again. I would take calm if it's at all ever possible. After 8 years do you have any peace or calm in your life?

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