I haven't posted in years as life has become a whirlwind of change and thankfully for the better.
Following my last entry, that 'nice guy' has become my 3rd (and final ha ha) husband. I was reluctant to remarry, and even my mom on her deathbed said just be happy who cares anymore. That in itself was a miracle as she was staunchly conservative and wanted me to be a traditional 'married with children' woman. That sadly (and blessedly) eluded me in the past.
Both my previous marriages were wrong. I was wrong in my choices. Choices I made because I was expected to marry, desperate to 'fit in', pressured by my family to succumb to the norm of social protocols, fearful of being alone and hungry for the love I never experienced before.
Love conquers all, but not in the way we think.
Love drove me to the darkest of places and love was only truly experienced when I started to listen to that inner voice..that little child inside of me.....that wanted me to heal her before I became what I am today....a mother.
My lost daughter, my lost child......she gave me something no one has ever given me.
I was alone, but never lonely (she was always there)
I was sad, but not depressed any longer
I was scared, but exhilarated at being free of my chains
My trauma was very public, everyone knew. I landed up the proverbial talk of the town and you know what, once you have been there, nothing, no fears can affect you any longer.
I had been to rock bottom and learnt how to climb. No one would ever hurt me like that again. Now I was ready......now I can be the woman and mother I was clearly ill prepared for before. I know stood up, proud, and loved. Self loved. No better form except the love of a parent to a child and that is my new journey.
I am no longer the childless. I am no longer the mother of a baby who died. That is no longer my definition. I will love my lost child forever because she set me on a path to become the strongest I have ever been. The silver lining doesn't negate the darkest of clouds and the suffering must be endured. However, without moving away to get a better view, a silver lining would never appear. If you stay in the thick of the darkness, how can you ever see that silver?
No one can replace that child. That child gave me something my living child or (if G-d allows me) a future child can give......that naive (nothing can go wrong now) pregnancy, that wonderful miracle surprise after being told I will be childless forever, that feeling of normality at falling pregnant as all people do......I can never experience that joy again. That is reserved for her. and that's ok....she deserves at the very least that special time with me........
Gone but never forgotten
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