Kim has been dead for 15 months now and still the pain and longing persist. I don't cry as much or as often as I used to and I have learned to function fairly well in a world that just relentlessly keeps demanding that you rush around doing inane things and "get over it"! Well for those of us who know this pain of losing a child - no matter what age or how it happened, you don't just "get over it". I have come to the conclusion that I will never "get over it" - its not a decision I have consciously made, it is just a fact. I have a very dear friend who lost her son in an accident 22 years ago and she still feels like I do - has good and bad days, cries, misses him - longs for him, thinks about him most of the time. Another precious friend sent me a beautiful but sad song the other day on a dvd - the words go "What does it look like in heaven, is it peaceful, is it free like they say? Here on earth it feels like everything good is missing, since you left, and here on earth everythings different, theres an emptiness. I hope you're dancing in the sky and I hope you're singing in the angels choir, and I hope the angels know what they have, I bet its so nice up in heaven since you arrived." Its sung by a young girl - and I thought it could have been my Kim singing and the words really reflect how I feel and think - so true. Since I heard it I have the chorus going round and round and round in my head.
I have moments where I feel just like I did when the reality started to sink in that I would never hug or feel Kim's arms around me again or hear her voice - talking or singing or laughing - oh how I miss her laugh. Those moments are so overwhelming I feel like I can't breathe or move or think or even just be. When those moments flood my soul I don't want to be me. But then the agonising moment passes and I just feel sad and deflated and uninspired and flat and I get up and walk outside and breath in the fresh air and feel the sun on my back and start to give thanks for the time I did get to share with Kim .... and remind myself that if I was given a choice of doing it all again, knowing I would lose her, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to forsake the joy of having had Kim as my daughter for 25 years and 8 months. And in this same space I want to thank all the incredible friends & family I have who have stood by me and helped me limp through this year. There are too many to mention by name but if you are reading this blog and know me or knew Kim - thank you from the bottom of my heart if you have prayed or phoned or taken me out or just visited or brought flowers or even just empathised. You have made life in grief bearable. To my awesome son Shaun - thank you just for being you - kind, caring, thoughtful, loving and to my incredible husband Ken - how can I ever say thanks for all you have done for me this year. You are an angel.
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